[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You Might Also Like
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Interior design 👌
You are not alone 💚
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Trying