Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol