Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
How to wake up a Beagle
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party