(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Hero horse inspires millions
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?