*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development