Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG