[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Chicken bread
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”