I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years