I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You Might Also Like
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
the red hot silly peppers
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
iPhone X
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
December birthdays be like…
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.