[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The struggle is real
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”