6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go