My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
You Might Also Like
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Just a phase…
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.