girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
You Might Also Like
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.