My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD