#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid