When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Friday