I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
😅😅😅
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Rambo Rambow
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.