Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that