spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Monday
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.