Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Can’t. Being lazy.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”