i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …