Getting married soon just need a spouse
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.