FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Siri, fight Alexa.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.