Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.