There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Coffee is ready.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no