Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.