My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
i think both sides are to blame here
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please