Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
This is my pinned tweet
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.