This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.