[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The news in a nutshell.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: