I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
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“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.