NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
meanwhile over on facebook
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R