Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Carpe DM
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s