Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
i’m still crying at this
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.