Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
You Might Also Like
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Miscakes
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram