If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”