[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
finally found a reasonable question
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Stonehinge
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….