I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.