[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.