Challenge accepted.
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
describing stardew valley
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.