Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You Might Also Like
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.