I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”