Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?