I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
the Monday after daylight savings
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single