Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January