[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.