If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now