What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me