“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.