My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
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Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!